Julie Bell

Julie A. Bell studied nursing at WVU before she became an actress and writer. A single mother based in NYC. Whenever she is not on set you can find her writing. She is currently working on her debut novel. She is passionate about writing from the heart to express the many unheard voices around the world. Showing that no matter how many differences there are with in people and cultures we are all at a basic level the same. Struggling with the same human emotions that can run us over and leave us alone and confused. Using her writing to break free of isolation and allowing other to do the same!

 

WHAT HAPPENED

 

I used to be concerned with rights and wrongs

What this person did or didn’t do.

I would toil over how I should feel.

Should I be angry, or feel envy,

Do I forgive or place blame

What is it I actually feel?

I watched the people’s reactions

Thinking I surely must feel this way too

Do I feel that same way?

Shouldn’t I?

Now seeing my feelings for each event have drastically changed

Depending on my place in life and time

The event still the same

Yet, my impression and thoughts of that same event.

Have completely spun on its axis multiples of times

To such an extent that I question my thoughts, my motives, my feelings, my truth

Of my own experiences and person.

Am I crazy for once feeling that way, an idea that has been turned on its head.

My once strong convictions, having changed so abruptly

Was it pity, self loathing, destruction, love, birth, death.

My own insecurities, or fears all ways wanting to point for approval

To bring me to this place in time where I can see life for what it is

Accepting what may come

Accepting what has left

Accepting the pain, filth, destruction and ugliness

Accepting that Its my life and I may feel however I want to feel about it

If It hurts me to an unknown depth

If it excites me in ways I feel shame

If it teaches me

If it warns me

If it soils me

If it lingers like a shadow

Or haunts and hunts me

My ghosts, my being, my life, my feelings, my choice

And what the others may believe or think

I no longer needed to know

For approval is the nail in my coffin

The shut door that keeps me trapped in the box

The world  has created for me to live in.

A constant confusion of trying to live up to standards

That are not only false, but Don’t exist.

Keeping me pre occupied with the shell of a human being

I feel like I am in a  society

That honors what exactly?

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