Julie A. Bell studied nursing at WVU before she became an actress and writer. A single mother based in NYC. Whenever she is not on set you can find her writing. She is currently working on her debut novel. She is passionate about writing from the heart to express the many unheard voices around the world. Showing that no matter how many differences there are with in people and cultures we are all at a basic level the same. Struggling with the same human emotions that can run us over and leave us alone and confused. Using her writing to break free of isolation and allowing other to do the same!
I used to be concerned with rights and wrongs
What this person did or didn’t do.
I would toil over how I should feel.
Should I be angry, or feel envy,
Do I forgive or place blame
What is it I actually feel?
I watched the people’s reactions
Thinking I surely must feel this way too
Do I feel that same way?
Now seeing my feelings for each event have drastically changed
Depending on my place in life and time
The event still the same
Yet, my impression and thoughts of that same event.
Have completely spun on its axis multiples of times
To such an extent that I question my thoughts, my motives, my feelings, my truth
Of my own experiences and person.
Am I crazy for once feeling that way, an idea that has been turned on its head.
My once strong convictions, having changed so abruptly
Was it pity, self loathing, destruction, love, birth, death.
My own insecurities, or fears all ways wanting to point for approval
To bring me to this place in time where I can see life for what it is
Accepting what may come
Accepting what has left
Accepting the pain, filth, destruction and ugliness
Accepting that Its my life and I may feel however I want to feel about it
If It hurts me to an unknown depth
If it excites me in ways I feel shame
If it teaches me
If it warns me
If it soils me
If it lingers like a shadow
Or haunts and hunts me
My ghosts, my being, my life, my feelings, my choice
And what the others may believe or think
I no longer needed to know
For approval is the nail in my coffin
The shut door that keeps me trapped in the box
The world has created for me to live in.
A constant confusion of trying to live up to standards
That are not only false, but Don’t exist.
Keeping me pre occupied with the shell of a human being
I feel like I am in a society
That honors what exactly?