Ksenija Pavlovic

Ksenija Pavlovic is the Founder and Editor-in-Chief of the Pavlovic Today, a Media Hub for A Fragmented Society. She is a poetess, international journalist, novelist and political scientist based between Yale University and New York City. In her artistic experience she writes about sex, wrong choices, violence, moral failing, and everything that in her words: “shakes me as an author and a witness. Pavlovic is particularly interested in searching of the new forms of storytelling and turning poetry into movies. She defines her poetry as “Autobiographical Fictions”. Pavlovic currently serves as a Senior Instructor in International Affairs and Security program in Yale Global Scholars, Yale University and a Managing Editor of Novak Djokovic Foundation. She is currently working on her memoir. (author photo: Stephanie Cornfield)

 

THE BIRTHDAY PLAYER

Tonight, J is sleeping alone
In the tallest building on Manhattan.
Whether he likes it or not, whether I like it or not
He will make up my next big American thing
Fancy terrible, fancy raisins terrible
Yet a huge hit
We were not quite as good a fit
But novel makes everyone sink
And my life is just that
One true American story
American Psycho and the Oscar winning glory
Gordon Gekko
The zero sum game
His shares fell 30 percent last week but then, who cares?
Man looks in the abyss, there’s nothing staring back at him
What’s gonna be J: “off a cliff, in your new Maserati?”

I don’t remember who invented what
Oh, remembrance is so unnecessary
Warhton, Darthmound , Columbia, Yale
I am yesterday to him as he was to me
And yet, I am still writing
The American novel Bob Dylan dictated on the velvet floor
Rock and Rolla is my smart
Who cares about the genre?
It could have happened even in the tallest building on Manhattan.
“It’s two minutes to closing, K. What do you want to do? Decide.”

There are lots of buildings
I usually notice the one on 75th Upper East
Manhattan
How I wouldn’t when Hank Moody was there
Witnessing the scene his screenwriter would have wished to have
Califorinication, Babe
But I’ve forgotten the scene
I’ve forgotten everything
It was quite striking how I deleted everything that made up
my life
It was a brutal act of detachment,
The future congressman with a hairdresser from LA
Well done, JFK
See you in a campaign
With fake boobs and T.J. Maxx discounted Chanel purse.
But you know I’m sorry.
I could not handle you loved me that much.
Completely unnecessary

I know how to detect when someone is not strong enough
J is strong
Maybe too strong
But J proved to me he has a heart too
It is always the J
Oh please excuse my American predicting
Memory
That’s another story
I just know I was animated by him
I don’t get excited about anyone ORDINARY
High achievers-that’s just what life serves me
Liam and Liam and Rock and Roll suite
The family Forbes
Everything I could not be
We saved the world from the headlines
Can I just keep on being me?

So J, J is peculiar
He could be easily taken for a bully
The manhood and extortion
Fragile
Quite separating, don’t you think?
“It’s all about bucks, kid. The rest is conversation.”

J lives on fucking Manhattan
Oh sorry, this was not indicative enough
J lives in the tallest building of Manhattan
He likes to call girls to visit him in his glass wall apartment
Very beautiful
I mean
New York beautiful
I am sure Trump palace would have been a strong aphrodisiac
If I haven’t seen it all
If I haven’t had Mark Rothko on the wall
Picasso, Goya, Francis Bacon
Some guy on the match dot com told me I have an expensive taste
But I don’t know if there’s such thing at all
Pi has always been an irrational number.
And J has always been a letter I should avoid.
Still, everyone knows I will soon become a millionaire
I’m going to make you rich, K
I don’t really know what it means, but apparently something huge
And when it’s huge, most likely won’t interest me
But it’ll buy lots of Champagne
Sheep get slaughtered
So let’s just jet away
Happy Birthday to Miss Extraordinaire!

It was quite amazing to know
Valentino and I, we have the same muse
in common
What to tell you world, I always had a good taste in men
Even if they were gay
So let’s go back to J
If I go
If I went out with him, he must be having something astounding
If I am rejecting him, then he must be super absorbed
Past tense
I managed to ruin a prospect of happiness
Again
But this time it was not only me
J was a complicit in crime
I apologized
Then he said we were not a good fit
Wish you well and all that crap
Oh, how happy I was to hear that
One new mischance prevented
Not quite
But who would want to look for a superior enlightenment.

Pi called yesterday to see if I am well and in a need of anodyne
Never before Pi used the word anodyne
Pi knew where I was getting
But J was smart to save me from it
J was in fact very honest
So I told him I appreciate it.
Yes, I mean it,
I learned this from the Forbes Man
“Dad isn’t on the Board of Directors of *that* company”,
Yet
“I’m hot on this stock. It’s ready to take off.”
“Having sex with her was like reading the Wall St Journal”
”We are not here to indulge in romance and fantasy”
“We’re all just one trade away from humility”.
Oh well, Oh well
So it’s the day of my Birth
If I was less of me I would be celebrating with J
But I took a good care it won’t happen
Again
Why to celebrate life in the tallest building in Manhattan
I already burned down the one in Spain
But I’ll change
It’s time to change
No one would want to be alone on his birthday
Her birthday
Life is making copy of everything
I am this transformative force
I change wonders in people
You know, sometimes I miss you.
But free market doesn’t match sentimental
“If you want a friend, get a dog”
“You can call him Greed or Nostalgia”
“I showed you how the game works, now school’s out.”
My way or the highway: is that an American saying?
And J?
I keep him out of the abyss.

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